The Good Old Days (When Horses Worked for a Living)

This morning the wind is bitterly cold but the sun is shining, so as I trudge through the front field in my barn-cleaning space suit, avoiding ice patches and frozen land mines, a recurring daydream begins to play in my head, where instead of going to shovel manure and throw down hay bales, I skip lightly down the steps of my home dressed in tailored jacket and jodhs, my hottie groom tossing me the reins with a wink and a leg up, and I canter off across the fields where beneath the shade of the elm trees, Colin Firth awaits me....ok, ok, back to reality...

Sliding back the barn door, I am greeted with the warm wickers of horses who are not really so glad to see me personally, but who are rather excited about getting breakfast. I work for them. They do nothing more during the winter than laze about and eat as much as they can and have competitions to see who can poop the most during the night. I’ve decided to recruit my girlfriends from the gym, Tom Sawyer style, to help me do the barn chores while making them think they are getting the best workout ever, and having fun to boot!

The structure of the workout is as follows:

Warmup: See how many times you can go up the ladder, throw down a bale, scurry down the ladder, carry it down the aisle, stack it, and repeat. Bonus points if you can carry two bales down the aisle at once.

Cardio: In each stall, scoop up pitchfork full of manure and carry out to wheelbarrow without dropping any – just like the egg and spoon race! Keep going until all poop is carried away. Points deducted for any small poops which have escaped from between fork tines. Bonus points added for pushing wheelbarrow to very top of manure pile when dumping.

Resistance Training: Fill outdoor water trough by carrying full buckets from pump in barn. Open bales of hay and carry to outdoor feeder and to each stall – especially good for biceps. Bonus points for finding any severed snakes or dead mice which were threshed and baled accidentally – just like the surprise in a box of cracker jacks.

Cool Down: Sweep every nook and cranny of barn aisle...good for shoulders and back strength. Bonus points for nabbing errant cobwebs, points off for finding any missed baling twine or metal shaving bag staples.

If I can get the girls there once, it will be doubtful I could get them to return, after they realize they are encrusted in a layer of dirt, dust, hay bits and are wrapped in the ammonia smell of horse pee. Colin Firth would be running for the hills!